Offbeat & Humorous Scripts

Star Wars Wedding

Many times love finds us when we are least expecting it.   It may come from a familiar place, or it may come from a galaxy far, far away.  When the stars align, and that perfect person enters our life, we have been granted A NEW HOPE.

Today we join Person 1 and Person 2 in a galactic marriage, which is honored by the Jedi Council, regulated by decrees, sanctioned by the Imperial Senate, and to be held in honor among all members of the Empire. 

Let us judiciously remember that the Jedi has established and ordained marriage, to extend its force for knowledge and defence, and never for aggression or personal gain.  The Jedi will always show respect for his wife, and for every living thing, by following the Code as taught by the Masters;

There is no emotion, there is peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

There is no death, there is the Force.

Jedi are taught that they are only Jedi because someone had taken the trouble to teach them, not because they are superior to others.  The Jedi Master is only a Master because he has disregarded his own sense of self-importance and embraced the will of the Force.  In this same way, a Jedi husband knows he would not be a husband at all, if it were not for the strength of his loyal and loving wife.  And in marriage, much like the Master, one must disregard their own sense of self importance and embrace that which benefits this union.

Those who enter into this agreement to cherish a mutual esteem and love, to bear each other’s infirmities and weaknesses; to comfort each other in sickness, trouble, sorrow, and galactic rebellion; in honesty and industry provide for each other; and to live together as heirs to the full domination of the galaxy against the imperial troops.  Your love will defeat the empire and light a path for eternal peace.


(Person 1 recites;)

May the Force be with us as we travel through the galaxy of life. I pledge to never turn to the Dark Side but stand forever in the illumination of our love. I vow to fight the Evil Emperor and I invite you to take your place at my side as we rule the galaxy. Together we can withstand anything, even the Death Star, Jabba the Hutt and Darth Vader. Come with me and we will make this world and the others around it ours. I’ll take part in any rebellion that you support.  Take my hand and stand with me for light and justice throughout our lives.

(Person 2 recites;)

My Jedi, my love, I take your hand and accept your pledge. May the force be strong with us all the days of our lives. I am able to sense the good in you. Remain a Jedi and I will stand by you. No matter what world we land on, I know that you will take good care of us, for you are brave, loyal and intelligent. Together we can stand against injustice wherever we find it and bring freedom to our world.  I pledge to you my love and my companionship as long as I live.

Exchanging of the Rings

Master Yoda has invested these rings with the power to be visible signs of the inward and permanent bond which unites your hearts. As you give and receive these rings, may they testify to the galaxy of the covenant made between you today.

Now, I charge you, Jedi ____ to give ____ this symbol of your undying commitment unto her left hand.  (Person 1 places ring on Person 2’s finger)

Now, I charge you, Princess ____ to give ____ this symbol of your undying commitment unto his left hand.  (Person 2 places ring on Person 1’s finger)

You are entering into an accord as married partners to avoid the Dark Side.  Go forward from this day to create a faithful, understanding, tender, and loving relationship. The galaxy gives you its full blessing.  We command for you the wisdom, compassion, and constancy to create a peaceful sanctuary in which you can both grow in love.

By the power vested in my by the Jedi council of the state of MA/RI/CT, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife/Defenders of the Light.

A Joint Return

Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here today because ___ and ___ have said to one another, “Honey, I love you so much I’ve just gotta get the government involved!”

Seriously, though. Thank you all so much for joining us.  Our couple has asked that this be a fun ceremony, so we’re here to have a good time these next few minutes while we watch ___ and ___ tie the knot, then we’ll all have even more fun when we get to the reception. This thing isn’t gonna start itself, so let’s get to it!

We hold marriage up as a tradition in this country, and we’ve debated over it a lot in the last few decades, but at the end of the day, why do we do it? I made the joke in the intro about loving each other so much we’re going to get the government involved, but is that all it really is?Of course not! It’s a tradition, yes, but we change traditions all the time, and we keep the essence of those traditions alive in their new forms. So nowadays marriage isn’t what it used to be when Ralph Kramden promised to knock his loving wife Alice “straight to the moon!” night after night in the fifties – ____ you’re definitely not allowed to do that. At all. And neither are you, ____. Nobody is allowed to knock anybody straight to the moon, no matter how hairy things get.

Ahh… There it is. The crux of why we do this marriage thing. Sure, it’s a lot of work. Sure it takes a lot of compromise. But at the end of the day, when you’re married, you’ve got someone to come home to. You’ve got someone who’s promised to love you no matter how smelly your socks get, or no matter how bad your mood is, or no matter what the universe decided to drop on your head this week. And you’ve got someone to have food fights in the kitchen with.  Someone to laugh at the same silly inside jokes with. After a while, you’ll find you’ve even got someone you share a little inside language with.

We do marriage because it helps to have someone around to walk through life with.

____, and ____, I can’t think of two people more suited to navigate through life together than you. In the time we’ve gotten to know each other, you’ve certainly both made me smile, and I’ve seen that your marriage will be built on a foundation of love and trust, and that’s the best shot any of us can give it. You’ll need to depend on that foundation of trust and of love throughout your marriage. You’ll need to be more patient than you’ve ever had to before. You’ll experience higher highs, and lower lows than ever before, but now you’ll be in it together – for good.

With that in mind, let’s check some legal boxes, shall we?

____ Do you take ____ to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife/partner, to love and comfort him/her/them for better or for worse, in sickness and health, regardless of the tax benefits or drawbacks, for as long as you both shall live? 

(I do.)

____ Do you take ____ to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife/partner, to love and comfort him/her/them for better or for worse, in sickness and health, regardless of his/her/their political affiliations, for as long as you both shall live?

(I do)

Please present the rings.

___ please repeat after me, ____ I give you this ring as a symbol that I will love you, honor you and cherish you for all the days to come.

 ___ please repeat after me, ____, I give you this ring as a symbol that I will love you, honor you and cherish you for all the days to come.

Well, after that touching exchange, I guess there’s only one thing left to do!

By the power vested in me by the state of MA/CT/RI, I now pronounce you husband and wife (or h&h, w&w, married partners for life)


Well, go on, give her a kiss!

Perfectly Imperfect

Do you, ____ accept _____, as she is, with a free spirit and flawed character?  Do you promise to dedicate room in your heart and your home for her yarn, and her crystals and her cats?  Do you promise to ignore her temper tantrums and reward her creativity for the rest of your days? (I do)

And do you, ____ accept ____, as he is, with his dirty hands and poor table manners?  Do you promise to feed his body and his soul..but never with eggplant because he hates that, and no nuts either because he is allergic.  Do you promise to pick the food from his beard and plant the seeds of love for the rest of the days of your life?  (I do)

It is truly special to find your soul mate, and live happily ever after.   But to find the one who lights your flame, fuels your fire, and creates an explosion of laughter in your life, is nothing less than magical.  May you be friends and lovers, and grow old disgracefully together forever.  

All I Know About Love, I Learned From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride together.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When you want treats, practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps together and stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily.

Be loyal.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on the attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout…run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joys of a long walk together.

Love each other unconditionally.

Game Of Thrones Weddings

These vows are full of love and represent the wisdom of the Dothraki, who live in peace with the Universe.

“As you are the Moon of his life, he shall be your Sun and Stars. Your love shall be as ever present as those two celestial bodies…even though they are sometimes hidden from one another’s sight. Your love will be the guiding force that charts the course of your tomorrows, holds your world together in difficult times, and will make life itself shine bolder and brighter than we human beings have a right to dream of.”

In the marriage of Robb Stark and Talisa, the Septon leads the ceremony, asking the groom to cloak the bride to give her his protection in eyes of people and gods: maiden, warrior, mother, crone, and others.

“You may now cloak the bride and bring her under your protection.”
Then the Septon starts the sermon:
“We stand here in the sight of gods and men to witness the union of man and wife: one flesh, one heart, one soul, now and forever.”
The couple holds hands, standing side by side, as the Septon literally ties their joined hands. The ribbon symbolizes their union. He also says
“Let it be known that [Names and Houses of the bride and groom] are one heart, one flesh, one soul. Cursed be he who would seek to tear them asunder.”
“In the sight of the Seven, I hereby seal these two souls, binding them as one for eternity. Look upon one another and say the words.”
The bride and groom recite their vows, speaking simultaneously. First, they say the names of the Seven, in whose sight they are the wedding: “Father, Smith, Warrior, Mother, Maiden, Crone, Stranger…” After this it’s time to recite their vows: the groom says
“I am hers and she is mine. From this day, until the end of my days,”
while the bride says
“I am his and he is mine. From this day, until the end of my days.”
After the vows, the groom announces, “With this kiss, I pledge my love,” and kisses the bride for the first time.

The content shown on my website is a combination of work authored by me, and derived from many sources throughout the officiant network.  I do not claim to be the original author of all the content on my page/s, nor am I able to credit an original author due to the widespread charitable sharing that goes on within our profession.